A Day in the Life of Menstrua’s Minion

A Day in the Life of Menstrua’s Minion.

I awoke after an evening of fits and sweats. And pain. As I dragged myself to the shower, I did some mental math. Yep. Today I am a servant of the Goddess Menstrua…and NOTHING shall quell my thirst for destruction.


I drag myself to the medicine box, which is technically a wooden bread box. My heart sags when I realize that, hey! I’m out of all painkillers! No acetominaphen. No aspirin. No ibuprofen. No naproxen. Nothing. I roar and hurl the breadbox into the kitchen wall, watching it splinter into a thousand pieces.

Menstrua cackles with glee and uses her mighty (and well-manicured) thumb and finger to flick me in the gut. Ugh.

Now I need to stop at CVS before work. Good thing there’s a 24 hour one nearby. But, lo! Something catches my eye in the rubbish that was my medicine box. A lone Thermacare pad. I weep with unbridled joy and kiss the plastic packet a dozen times. It will take 30 minutes to heat up, but will stay toasty for 8 hours.

After managing to pull myself together, I stumble down to the car like an extra from the Thriller video. “Mmmmmmm…drive car to store!!”

By now the Thermacare pad is in full effect and my loins are burning – but in a Rated G way. I should have worn these during the blizzard earlier this year…the snow would have melted around me!

CVS at 5:00 am – such a sad place to be. Because who else would be at a CVS at that time besides the deperately ill and crampy? I head to aisle 15a – analgesics. I want naproxen. I see Excedrin and Tylenol. I see Anacin and Advil. I see Bayer. I see More Tylenol. I see their generic cousins. Jeebus, this is like the end of Hypochondriac Romper Room. NO Naproxen?!?! RAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWR!!

I run my hands down the length of the shelf, knocking every last bottle to the ground. Menstrua be pleased!! Muahahhaa!! Hey…there it is! Being a savvy shopper, I choose the generic version (naproxen) from the pile.

“Cleanup in aisle 15.”

I pick up another box of Thermacares and then amble to the refrigerated cases for a bottle of water to wash the pills down with. Let’s see. Poland Springs. Evian. Deer Park. Dasani. Aquafina. CVS brand. Nesquik chocolate milk. Just what I was looking for! The thought of her temple being infused with chocolate appeases Menstrua, and she softens her crushing grip on my skull.

On the way to the cashier, I pass a mirrored section of the makeup aisle. If you ignore the fact that my left eye is spinning round and round within its socket, I look pretty darn good. I do! DARE YOU DEFY ME??? No? Good. See? We can get along!

I always feel sorry for the young adults who get the overnight shift. They have to put up with the likes of me.

“Do you have a CVS Extra Care card?” she asks.

“No.” I reply.

“Would you like to donate to Children’s something-something-something charity?”

“I eat children.”

She hands me my receipt and wishes me a good day. Nice girl. Hope she gets a better job.

Back into the car. Waiting at the light for the left-arrow to release me from the parking lot. I tear into the naproxen box. Twist off the top of the milk. Tear the foil wrap off with my teeth. Unscrew the top of the pill bottle. Two sweet little caplets drop into my hand. Menstrua howls her disapproval and unleashes a wave of nausea. My hand slips while twisting the top back onto the pill bottle and the bottle jerks free, scattering little blue pills all through my front seat, no doubt. It’s dark, so I really can’t see how many I’ve dropped.

Lovely. Now when the sun rises and people pass my car in the C-P lot, they’ll think I’m some sort of crazy pill addict.

I swallow two pills and let the sweet chocolate elixir wash them down. Ahhh…I’ll feel better in an hour.

During the drive, even the dulcet voice of Dave Matthews can’t soothe my pain. So I eject the CD from the player and eat it.

I park my pill-riddled car at the C-P and walk to the door.

“Good morning!” one of the drivers says to me as I swipe my keycards and gain entrance.

“I am a servant of the Goddess Menstrua,” I reply in a tinny voice that isn’t my own.

Forty-five minutes later…the feeling of no-pain washes over me. All that’s left are the splinters in my hands and the plastic taste in my mouth. I’m very warm, though. I don’t even mind the fact that the vinyl trim on the front of my desk is melting from its proximity to my lower abs.

**Naproxen is the active ingredient in Aleve. Being a pharmacist’s wife, I’m used to generics, because no matter what your friend Stella tells you, it’s the same darn thing as the name brand. Learn it. Love it. Save money. Buy CVS stock. Thank you.

Mood: Maniacal. You didn’t know this by now?
Work docket: Recipes, online mall
Lunch: We’re having a pizza party at noon. I know it sounds horrible, but I just don’t feel like dealing with a pizza party, so I’ll sneak out on my own.
Afternoon: Walk Max. Curl up on chair with blanket and think of all the things I should be doing in prep for trip.
Evening: Yoga at 7:30 if Menstrua allows. PopPop will be over Mom’s tonight, so I’ll swing by after class to say heya.

Work issues: I’m 98% sure my hunches re: boss interviewing for another job are correct. I just wonder where I’ll be sitting when I get back from vacation. Will my keycard still work? 🙁

October 14, 2003 – afternoon

Mentioned to me by Shawn — I don’t even remember this character. But I like pie!

Which Pulp Fiction Character Are You?:

What Pulp Fiction Character Are You?.

You’re sweet, but not naive – though you like to be babied like a child at times. You prefer to have a bad boy by your side, but sometimes have problems understanding why he has to run off to take care of business. You want to settle down, yet deep down inside, you are excited by the surprises life throws your way.
Take the What Pulp Fiction Character Are You? quiz.

October 14, 2003 – morning

Good morning! Four days until I again fling myself upon the sandy beaches of Disney’s Polynesian Resort and beg Mickey Mouse to re-infuse me with much needed Pixie Dust. Today I will fax out the room request. Tahiti building (which guarantees us a Castle view); ground floor (which lets me run right out the sliding door to the beach like a certified nut).

I’m coming, Mickey…keep that Florida sun shining!

Yesterday went as planned, surprisingly. What’s up for today?

Wt: I give up weighing until after vacation. I will get to 133 by the end of the year. I’m now considering amputation. How much do ribs weigh?
Mood: Pleasant
Work docket: Opinion didn’t post any stories. Nor could I find the stories they planned to post. (sometimes they hide them in folders I don’t have permission to enter) So I ended up TYPING one straight from the paper. Oh well. Will craft appropriate flame mail this morning. I’m working on banners for a movie contest promotion right now. Boss will be back from his ‘business trip’ so I’m sure he’ll want to know everything we did. Oh yeah…there’s a Voter Guide due out tomorrow. Do I have info for it yet? Nope. Did I email them about it last week? Yep. Did I copy my own boss on the email to cover myself when it doesn’t go up on time? You bet! Smarter than the average blonde!
Lunch: Going to mall to get more Disney Dollars, pick up our Lion King DVD and grab a salad. Or a Mexican pizza if I feel especially naughty.
Afternoon: Dash home, walk Max, head to YMCA, take shower…run to Mom’s and pick John up for…
Dinner at Dad’s house. We’ll get to visit with PopPop, who’s up from Florida for a spell.
Evening: I hope to be home at 8:30 so I can be in bed by nine-ish.

And so will go my day. 🙂

October 13, 2003 – morning

Ugh. Another Monday. the closer I get to vacation (five days!), the more I need them. These 5 days will be interminable. Let’s give you my weekend at a glance.

BBQ Pizza: Very tasty initially, but disgusting once you think of what you just ate.
Misty: Eye swelling down considerably.
Max: Has learned the “down” command, and now can jump the baby gate. Joy.
Charlie: Hiding from Max again.
Ocean City: Rainy and chilly. The craft show wasn’t as good as Haddonfield’s, but we had a great time at the shore house just lazing about and eating.
Hopeslayer quest: slept through it. D’oh!
Dinner at Damon’s: Much fun! Dinner featured great Chicken Caesar Salad (w/apples!) and steamed artichokes with garlic butter dipping sauce. Chocolate Chip cookies for dessert. They have a loft master bedroom….drool. I can’t wait until we get a house now so that I can invite people over!

Which brings us to today:

Mood: Middling
Work docket: Did Ingle column. Maybe I’ll have the day to work on my Letters to the Editor script. Imagine!
Lunch: Saladworks.
Afternoon: Walk Max. Run to Target for new rawhide bones, treats, leash and harness for Max. (Max ate through his old harness…and he doesn’t like the collar.)
Evening: Blissfully, nothing. I plan on sitting at home in my comfy duds.

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