…just turn around now, ’cause you’re not welcome anymore…
Dancing with the Stars, I’m breaking up with you.
I know it sounds like a surprise, but it’s been a long time in coming. The bloom started to fade when Hélio Castroneves beat out Mel B. for the golden disco ball in 2007. Sure, Maksim choreographed a lame freestyle for Mel, but it became apparent throughout the season that your judges were favoring the adorable ingenue Julianne Hough when dishing out the scores.
I stopped watching the Kristi Yamaguchi season well before she won. There was no suspense there as she dominated from week 1. Call my cynical, but it may have been the decades of Olympic-level choreography, timed jumps and spins, and performing in front of a live crowd that gave her an edge.
Season 7 left me cold as well. I knew Warren Sapp wasn’t the best dancer, but he entertained me ten times more then Brooke. Then again, I knew Brooke would win because she was paired with Derek. Since Julianne and Mark won, the third member of their little clique couldn’t be far behind. Cloris Leachman made me uncomfortable. Kim Kardashian made me feel itchy.
And with all of that, here is what you offer me for Season 8:
Belinda Carlisle – GoGos lead singer, whom I loved when I was 15. Token middle-aged woman.
David Alan Grier – actor, token comedian
folk pop country singer and former reality show hostess. Stunt casting at its finest because of…
Ty Murray – Jewel’s husband and rodeo star
Shawn Johnson – token Olympic gold medalist
Lil’ Kim – rapper, actress, ex-con
Gilles Marini – the naked guy in the Sex and the City movie, token model-type
Nancy O’Dell – entertainment reporter for Access Hollywood
Steve-O – host of Jackass. Best known for voluntarily stapling his scrotum to his leg.
Denise Richards – crazy ex-wife of crazy Charlie Sheen & reality show “star”
Chuck Wicks – C-list country singer with only 3 released singles to his name. Why’s he here? Oh! He’s Julianne’s (who’s back for her 2nd or 3rd very last season, I lost count) real life boyfriend. Aww. Stunt casting!
Steve Wozniak – token geek billionaire and token fat guy rolled into one. I fear my iPhone’s going to come to life tomorrow night and start voting on its own
Lawrence Taylor – thrice-jailed token NFL player, former coke addict and admitted tax evader
I wasn’t thrilled at the cast at all, but I was willing to give the first episode a shot. Then Jewel and Nancy O’Dell get injured (seriously injured!) and drop out. Their replacements?
Holly Madison – former Playboy model and best known for sharing Hugh Hefner with 2 other women. On a reality show.
Melissa Rycroft – Proposed to and then dumped by the Bachelor. Beat out 24 other women for that honor. On a reality show.
I’m heartsick that they couldn’t find female replacements that achieved something in their “star” turn other than shaking their thing enough to get a man to choose them over other women.
So taking in consideration all of the above: the scofflaws, the couple-y stunt casting, the scrotum stapler and the preponderance of vapid reality-show women, we’re done.
Take your sequins and heels and get out.