Ah, ABC, you torture me with this “Dancing with the Stars” phenomenon. It’s on THREE days this week, which tries my patience and attention level.
As I sit through day two and wonder how in the hell K!m Karda$h!an managed to get cast, WM and I chat about our “dream” contestants. So we made up lists, 6 men and 6 women. Our picks are based on the usual casting formula (lower-caliber celebrities, with certain demographics thrown in) and some pie-in-the-sky wishing.
PS: If you’re watching, have you seen the cute Disney balloon commercials? I swear, the Walt Disney World marketing crew knows how to play me like a finely tuned fiddle.
My team
Tristan Rogers – “Robert Scorpio” from General Hospital star and my first Aussie crush. He’d fill the usual “ABC Soap Star” slot.
Michael Phelps – I want to see him flounder. Get it? Flounder? Fish? Bwah! Anyway, he’d play the part of “Accomplished male athlete.”
Snoop Dogg – Wouldn’t this be a riot?
Rob Mariano – “Boston Rob” from Survivor. He’s done 2 reality competition shows…let’s give him the hat trick.
Donnie Walhberg – The “Bad Boy” from NKOTB, naturally playing the role of “former boybander.” Jon’s my fave, but I think the show would give him an anxiety attack.
Jason Bateman – One of my fave teen stars from the 80′s, playing the part of “80′s TV star.” Unfortunately (well, fortunately for him), his career’s taking off again and he’s a bit too big for the show.
Alyssa Milano – 80′s teen star and low-grade 90′s TV star.
Raven Symone – Playing the role of “Disney Channel star”
Amber Brkich-Mariano – Survivor winner and Boston Rob’s wife. That’d give us a nice husband/wife rivalry
Christie Brinkley – My favorite 80s supermodel, playing the role of “older supermodel”
Jennie Finch – Gold medal softball pitcher, filling the “accomplished female athlete” slot.
Dita VonTeese (not linking to photos here, search at your own risk) – lower-caliber celebrity and hottie. Plus, she’d look very nice in those gowns, yes?
WM’s Team
Teller (believe it or not, a Google image search for him turns up nekkid people who aren’t him) – “ .” The smaller, quieter half of Penn and Teller
LL Cool J – filling in the slot of “music star”
Nathan Fililon (what’s with the nakedness in Google Safe Search?) – from Serenity, Slither & Dr. Horrible’s Singalong Blog
Ben Stein – all-around political badass and minor movie star, filling the role of “older guy”
Steve Yzerman – retired Red Wings player. I suppose he qualifies as “accomplished male athlete” 
Hugh Laurie* – Dr. House. Completely out of this show’s league, but so’s Jason Bateman…we can all dream
Marisa Tomei – “smokin’ hot’
Ellen DeGeneres – “fun”
Paula Deen – filling the role of “cackling old bat.” Y’all.
Jennie Finch – Hey! He stole this from me!
Vanessa Hudgens (uh…search for her yourself) – Disney channel star.
Mary Matalin – middle aged woman, and political bad-ass.
Whaddya think, sirs?
