LadyGypsy.net – the blog of Kimberly Dowd of New Jersey

As of today, I’ve been divorced five years.

I didn’t realize it until I was driving to Mom’s tonight. And that’s good — the fact that I haven’t been dwelling on/dreading this date for 3 weeks is good.

I now speak of my married days like one would speak of things they did in high school or college. Or band camp. Fondly, with a touch of incredulity that it even happened. So I guess that means I’ve closed the cover on that installment of my life. That white satin cover with navy blue ribbons.

There are now people at work who never knew me married. The divorce comes up from time to time, mostly because there are still businesses out there that insist on using the “Burbermille” last name I used to wear like a gigantic awkward accordion around my neck.

And people will inevitably still say, “Well, at least you didn’t have children.” When they say that, a piece of my heart breaks off and dies forever, and I want to flip them the bird. Instead, I realize they’re trying to be comforting. So I weakly smile and nod and say, “mmm…yes…I guess you’re right.”

There are songs that still stop me in my tracks. But I’ve stopped feeling guilty about mourning an old relationship while thoroughly enjoying a new one. As I look back on the beautiful tapestry of my life, I see that all of the threads blend to create beautiful colors. Without the red blending into blue, I’d lack that gorgeous purple.

I did drive by the old house a few weeks back after a visit to Mom’s. A birdie told me it was on the market earlier this year. I wanted to see if it had been sold and if the big apple tree in the back still existed. The tree was gone, which didn’t surprise me, as the hundreds of crabapples on the ground were really annoying. And there was a Little Tykes playground in the yard, so somebody else was living there. That cut me to the bone and for a good five minutes I raged inside…that should have been a playground that *I* bought for *my* children that should have played in that yard.

Then I realized that I went through a different sliding door and was never meant to have children play in that yard. And that’s okay. It really is.

I haven’t spoken to BvP since last July, but as always I wish him the best, wherever he has landed.

The phrase “It gets better” has been appropriated by a cause much larger than my own piddly life. But if I had a Tardis, I’d go back to the woman staring at the dark and tell her that it gets better.

It gets much, much, better.

What? I'm trying to make myself feel better, here

I have a lot to reflect on – from my lack of change-my-career success to the fingernail I nervously bit off yesterday afternoon. I forgot my breakfast at home today too, so I’ve been eating Milk Duds. Failly fail fail.

I’m a pretty sad panda today. The rain doesn’t help.

I think I’ll allow myself to be all emo and dwelly today. Which goes completely against the power of positive thinking, the Secret and Oprah. But “those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” And my missteps are a part of who I am.

So happy FailDay, my dear cookiecrumbs. Here’s to a brighter tomorrow.

I’m on the cusp of 10 lbs. lost although I don’t feel it at all. Anyway, the biggest hurdle I have to overcome when it comes to eating better is my own laziness. I settle for takeout because I’m lazy. If I do cook, I cook quick-prep high-calorie meals because I’m lazy. I eat large portions because I’m lazy and don’t want to measure.

So I decided this week to make sure I keep my portions in check. After we got back from Wegmans yesterday I spent a few hours in the kitchen getting the cabinets organized and portioning out my food. I bought a fresh pineapple and sliced it up. I cut up the romaine and radishes from the Collingswood Farmer’s Market along with tomatoes, onions and cucumbers into a big salad so I can just take portions of it as I go. Instead of the pricey and package-heavy Steamfresh vegetables I’m buying two bags of frozen veggies and portioning it out myself. I wrote the calorie info on each bag. I made 4 more servings of sugar-free jello. Cut up strawberries (also from the Farmer’s Market) for shortcake. And also bagged out single servings of grape tomatoes (not pictured.)

And I haven’t had a Mountain Dew in over a month. I miss it deeply. Here’s to another successful diet week! (tips her class of Diet Green Tea)

Love this link!: Freeze Ground Meat in Small Portions with a Chopstick

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I’m off today because this morning I’m heading to the Hall of Justice(!!) to file the quit claim deed on the house. That’s basically a legal form saying that I’m signing away my claim to the property. Like the rest of the formalities, we didn’t use a lawyer and filled out documents ourselves. It’s made things so much nicer. Honestly, if you’re getting divorced and 1) don’t want to kill each other and 2) don’t have children I STRONGLY recommend the do-it-yourself route.

Once that’s filed I’ll be getting a little sum of money from BvP. (I asked for it to be given to me as stacks of $1 bills in a briefcase. I think it’ll end up being a check. But wouldn’t a briefcase of cash be hot?) Some of it will pay off bills. Most of it will go into my savings account and be used toward a little place of my own someday. He’ll be remaining in the house. I think this was the best choice for us, as the only offer we received was $40,000 below the asking price.

I’m leaving him just about everything in it, because I have no room and really no desire to own the communal stuff again. The few things I’ll be taking are sentimental items like boxes of books, my silver flatware set, and my Christmas dishes. Maybe a Disney print or two. Where to put it all? I have NO idea. I’ll probably have to purchase storage. Yay.

Funny enough, there is no sadness over this all. It’s the end of an almost 2-year funeral for my marriage. I’m more upset over the fact that whenever I’m off from work and NOT sick, the weather forecast says it’s going to rain. Sure, it’s sunny out NOW, but we’ll see what happens once I step off of the train after it’s all over.

If it rains I guess I’ll have to sit home and work on my beading and/or programming. If not, I’ll meander down Haddon Avenue and shop. What a hardship.

Enjoy your Monday!