The world will be ending in a few days — predictably & disastrously. I think it was an upcoming natural disaster. I end up in Miami with a bunch of other people. We’ve taken over a commercial area which includes a gigantic shopping mall.

Now usually these apocalyptic dreams of mine end with “I buy a gun, go feral and survive it all.”

But this one was different.

So in my dream I decided to make people’s bucket list wishes come true. So for the little old ladies who never learned to drive — we matched them up with people who are good at teaching driving and took them down to the abandoned auto dealership to get behind the wheel. People who always wanted to cook were ushered to the kitchen supply store and taught to make a fantastic meal. A guy quietly confessed he was bi-curious, so I discreetly found a willing mentor and put them in a hotel room. Empty storefronts became chapels for marriages, baptisms and other religious services. The salon became a haven for those who always wanted to see what they looked like with curly/straight/blue/no hair.

Even though we were all going to die in this dream, there was no fear. Everyone was happy and laughing because they were getting what they always wanted.

I had the best feeling when I woke up. What can we do to make this dream — sans imminent painful death due to natural disaster — a reality? I’m not talking “I want to see Mars” or “I want to kiss Justin Bieber” dreams. But the people who want to learn to read. Or read another language. Or learn to ride a bike. Or swim. Or sing.

Ugh. I want to make a difference. I don’t know how.

**
In more shallow news, I’m dangerously close to lopping off half of my hair and going with a cute just-below-chin-length bob.

Hire, me, QVC!

Anyway, the show host (Mary Beth Roe, if you know QVC) remarks that they have Jackie’s original earrings in the building today that the replicas were based from. She turns to me and says, “isn’t that amazing?”

The camera cuts to me and I reply, “It is, Mary Beth. I wanted to wear them on the show today because it’d probably the first time those earrings would have seen an honest day’s work.”

I was summarily fired, but as I was escorted from the soundstage I hollered out “Lisa Robertson (another host) would have LOVED that joke!”

Not USDA approved

Yeah. I’m going there.

***

After a few months of trying, I’m deeming my visual task list a failure. I was putting color coded Post-its on my wall at the office to try and show people how much work I had to do. Most people didn’t care and even when my wall was littered with notes I was still being asked why things weren’t done. It turned out to be a waste of money (I was buying my own notes). So it’s down and my wall is bare again.

***

I had a dream last night that I got a job at TMZ (site occasionally NSFW) and my first task was to write a story about Screech becoming baptized and being born again. My headline was: Saved from the Hell.

***

Are they vanity-sizing bras now? As in…upward?

Because I’ve always considered myself pretty average-of-rack and as of my most recent measuring I’m rocking a size now that seems over-the-top. It fits perfectly. It’s just…the size…wow.

***

WM’s sister is getting married tomorrow! It’s a super-small civil ceremony and they didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, so he’s driving out there to surprise them. Which leaves me with a bachelorette weekend.

Which I’ll be spending … cutting meat shapes from felt.

Once I was done, I went into my quarters and walked by displays of my jewelry². There was smoke coming out from a sweatshirt. Turns out my iPhone was plugged into the wall and inside the sweatshirt³. I put the fire out and my tooth hurt⁴ so I went to the dentist.

Who was an ex-boyfriend of mine. He told me I looked better now than I did when I was younger and that I was the loveliest person he’s ever known and why did I come back into his life a week before he was getting married?⁵. Me: “Because my tooth hurts.” Then he proceeded to create a filling for my tooth with copper wire.

After the filling I went back to riding my cow.

¹ Yesterday I was talking with a coworker about the local counties’ 4-H fairs.
² I’m considering opening an Etsy shop.
³ My 3GS gets REALLY warm when it charges.
⁴ My teeth have been sensitive lately.
⁵ Obviously, my subconscious is my biggest fan.

Darn, my desk is junky.

If you HATE needles giving blood has to be the biggest way to get over it. (or pass out and die, whichever) First there’s the painful finger-pricky thing to test your iron. Then there are the tubes and bags and tape and you get to lie down for 20+ minute WITH IT ALL IN YOU. And watch other people get stuck the same way.

I’ve been giving blood for about 9 years now.

So today I sauntered into my local LabCorp for round 2 of Thyroid-related blood tests and I didn’t even flinch.

That wee cotton ball, that white wad of courage means “Hey, World! I got stuck today and I didn’t think twice about it!”

Sometimes I’m think I’m a Rock Star. Then I start to cry because I have to rip that tape off and…ow!!!!

***
Weight: 163. I stopped trying for a few weeks, and it shows. The weight’s been hovering between 162/163 since Easter. I’m back on track today though. I’m so close to getting under 160, but unfortunately I’m CONTENT with how I am now. That’s never a good thing. Maybe I need to try a swimsuit on.

Dream: I had a dream that I was on Dancing with the Stars and was paired with Maksim. We were dancing a Latin hip-shaking dance (I think a samba) and I got to grab his ass.

It was a fine ass. It was a good dream.

This week’s Friday Five topic is one near and dear to my heart: SLEEP. I love my sleep. I am a champion sleeper. I can sleep pretty much anywhere and through anything. It’s a gift!

Away we go!

1. How many hours’ sleep do you need in order to be at your best, and what’s the minimum you can get on a regular basis and still be functional?

To be my best, I’m an 8 hour girl. Used to be 10. But in order for me to get that 8 during the week, I have to be in bed by 10:30 and I’m usually wide awake at thet time, so I usually get about 6.5 hours.

The bare minimum I can have and be functional is 4 hours. I’ll be functional, but unhappy.

2. What’s your favorite sleeping position?

On my right side, with two artfully stacked pillows. I don’t like to be flat…ideally I’d be like this __/ but I don’t have bed pillows with enough gumption to get me to that angle. I sleep better on the sofa, if you can believe that.

3. What was the cause of your most recent difficulty sleeping?

Worry.

Sunday night I worried about getting back to work after furlough. Monday afternoon I received a call about some blood work I had done – my “thyroid” is “low” (that’s all I was told) and I have a followup appointment with my doctor this coming Monday. I don’t WANT to have a bum thyroid. I don’t WANT to have to start taking medicines to regulate it. I’m AFRAID to start mucking around with my body’s basic functions. I feel FINE. I AM fine. So I’ve been worried about that.

Also, I have two teachers in my life whom I care about greatly. One can’t find a teaching job and the other might be affected by the statewide cuts to school districts. I worry about both of them. I have a huge project I’m supposed to be working on at work that I can’t find the time to work on due to other things on my task list.

I am one writhing ball of worry right now, Mister Friday Five. It is a wonder and a marvel that I can actually converse with people right now.

4. When you can’t seem to drift off to sleep right away, what are some things you do to bring about sleep?

I love visualization. I imagine floating out of my window and down the nearby major road, looking down at all the little shops. I imagine being back here. I imagine the action-movie screenplay that’s in my head that I’ll never write because I have no idea how to write a screenplay. But it’s kick-butt.

5. When did you last doze off at an inappropriate time or in an inappropriate place?

Days before I quit being a manager here (still the right decision) I had to go to our corporate office for a meeting. It was 2006 and I was dealing with the separation/divorce & the impending job change. The meeting was held in a large auditorium and I dozed off in my seat. One of my manager buddies woke me up. It was VERY embarrassing!

***

Wt: 164.0. Down 16.4 pounds.

Dream: I woke up to find a coworker in bed with me. I had no idea he was there, as he snuck in after I went to sleep and nothing happened. WM was not pleased. Nor was I.

So magazines it is.

One of the neatest things about magazines is the similarities in colors. The October issues are always orange, the December ones are red, the January ones are white.

And the April issue are always sunny yellow.

Wt: 165.6 – 14.8 pounds lost
Dream: I was vacationing in a somewhat hippie somewhat nudist bed&breakfast/commune in Aruba. Fake Aruba is gorgeous. Commune full of nudes? Not so gorgeous.

1) When was the last time you had a serious deadline to make, and did you make it?

Today, actually, and yes. I had to whip together a prototype website and a flash-based pseudo-slot machine for a presentation that’s to be held next week. I’m on furlough starting Monday so it had to be done today. I made it, but not without stressing and binging on baby carrots, fruit cups & coffee. (bad, BAD combo)

2) Do you generally plan for deadlines, or are they more likely to sneak up on you until you’re frantic?

I usually plan for deadlines, but in my field sometimes they just appear without warning.

3) When did you last set a deadline for someone else, and did that person make it?

No. Nobody at work meets my deadlines. NOBODY.

4) How flexible and understanding are you when it comes to other people meeting your deadlines?

When nobody ever meets your own deadlines, you basically get beaten into submission. So I’m rather easy going. Here’s an example….

(time: 11:00am)
Ad Rep: I sold an ad to start tomorrow.
Me: Great! Please get me the ad by 4:45 so I can schedule it before I leave.
Ad Rep: Okay.

(time: 4:59pm)
Ad Rep: I just sent you the ad. Sorry! Bye! (goes home)
Me: (mutters, stays the extra time to schedule ad. Why? Because the ad rep will blame ME if it doesn’t start on time.)

5) What were the circumstances the last time you hung up on someone in the middle of a phone call, or the last time someone hung up on you in the middle of a phone call?

I don’t hang up on people. If it’s an unsolicited phone call, I will interrupt to say I’m not interested rather then let the poor person go through a 10 minute spiel.

**
Wt: 166.2 – .2 down from last week. I’ll take it.
Dream: I was in a Beyonce video. I may have even been Beyonce, but it’s sketchy.

Dennis Basso, designer of great coats for the fashion world (and of fake fur coats for QVC, which is how I know him) shows up at my apartment.

He then berates me: You need to stop dressing like a bum! You need to stop wearing the same 3 pair of pants to work* and get a bit of style back.

Me: But I’m big.

Dennis: You’re not as big as you think. Besides, look at me! I’m huge! And I still wear great suits!

Me: Okay.

Dennis: And stop wearing your pajamas pants out to walk the dog! You’re an adult woman! DRESS LIKE ONE!

* I have four pair of nice pants for work, thank you very much. That plus jeans on Friday and an occasional skirt and I’m set for my sit-all-day, see-no-one job.

Back then, the most common (and I believe only) ad size on our site was this:

Now as monitors get larger, web sites get larger and of course the ads get larger. Someone has to make sure the lowly web folk get paid.

Anyway, I saw THIS ad today:

Clicky to embiggen!

and I totally wish I designed that. I have no formal design experience, but I know that ads shouldn’t be cluttered, and the main point of a banner ad is to get someone to click on it.

(It’s for Merry Maids, by the way.)

I wish I could express that better to people who want me to make the artwork smaller so I can fit their fax number on the ad.

**

Dream 1: There is a form I need to fill out for work and the deadline is midnight. It’s about 11:55 pm, and I’m at work, dashing through the cubicle maze in the dark and trying desperately to find that form. I’m running into chairs and desks and filing cabinets and I’m in a full-fledged panic.

Then my work PC suddenly goes into an 8-bit display mode, and begins to run programs. It’s been hacked! “It’s the South Koreans,” an unfamiliar IT person tells me. “They’re always doing this sh-t.”

Dream 2: I’m a lawyer trying to get the death penalty overturned for somebody. It’s a race against the clock as they are literally prepping my client for execution while I recite my plea to the judge.

This dream is courtesy of the execution of the Virginia sniper. I’m anti-death penalty, no matter what, so whenever a capital punishment sentence is carried out, I’m subconsciously very upset about it.