Disclaimer: I am not depressed.
I sat in the gyno’s office a few weeks ago surrounded by heavily pregnant women. I always feel uncomfortable going for the yearly visit, not because of the inevitable, but because of the not-a-mom factor. It makes me feel like half a woman - in a society where women aren’t really seen as full adults until they’ve joined the parenthood club. And noplace else is there such a strong feeling of still sitting at life’s kiddie table than at a gyno’s office with a bunch of pregnant women.
I’m not pregnant, which is good. I’m not supposed to be pregnant. According to my original life plan, I was supposed to have my last child 2 or 3 years ago. But life plans change. I don’t have kids because of my own choice to wait until the right time. But there never came a right time.
Well-meaning folks around the time of my separation/divorce: Well, you should be happy that you don’t have kids — that’d have made it worse.
Me: ummm…yeah. But at least I’d have kids.
Well-meaning blah blah blah: That’s true. My kids are my life!
Me: Yeah. Okay. Is there any rum here, by chance?
So now the evil “thirty-five” milestone looms. The year where my weight, fertility, sex appeal and youthfulness are rumored to hit the crapper.
The nurse-practitioner’s words were reassuring: No, you’re not going to die of a birth-control-induced blood clot on September 6th. Yes, there is still time for you to have a child. But you should try sooner rather than later.
Sooner? Can’t do sooner. Despite my whining, it’s still not the right time.
So it’s time for me to realize that by the time the time is “right,” I may well be brushing up against “too late.” (And yes, the “just adopt!” option is there, but that’s a whole ‘nother ball of decisions, processes, stressors, etc. It’s not easy to adopt.) And if it is “too late” I only will have myself and my hemming and hawing to blame.
But that’s still a bit off. So for now I’ll just continue to work past feeling like half.
***
WM and I are headed to the “Jazz it up Food and Wine Festival” at Allaire Village today. It should be fun as I’ve never been there before and, well, wine and jazz! You can’t go wrong!
Posted at: 9:44 am in General, Kim v. 3.0, Play
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September 1st, 2007 at 8:21 pm
We…um…had a really good time. We did. Really.
September 2nd, 2007 at 12:54 am
When our son was born, my wife and I were 30 and 35, respectively. And despite our trying and failing to have a child during the first 10 years of our marriage, we’re glad it happened when it did (although a bit shocked since we had “given up trying” but were still practicing–regularly).
There was no way we would have been prepared for such a responsibility when were in our stupid 20s (and you still pretty much are stupid in your 20s). It will happen when it happens; there are no real “plans” for life. But please, don’t ever feel pressured–by yourself or anyone–into having a child.
September 2nd, 2007 at 1:20 pm
Me thinks you worry too much. As far as I’m concerned child bearing age extends from 16-66 (viva Maria del Carmen Bousada!).
September 2nd, 2007 at 6:03 pm
I have the coolest readers/friends.
Thank you. I don’t think I really want to be a 66 year old mother though. With luck, I’ll have a house of my own by then. 
September 2nd, 2007 at 6:53 pm
Any time you want my kids to fill that need(or quench it). I’ll send Heather and Connor over(the last time you saw them they were 5 and 3, now 14 and 12).
September 3rd, 2007 at 3:02 pm
I’m not sure what criteria you have for the time being right to have children, but it really doesn’t matter. In my opinion, it is very important for the time to be right. After all, you are bringing a life into the world.
I have 4 children. They are a fabric of my life. Every day, I enjoy watching them grow and the spirit that they bring. In my opinion, I became a parent way too early in life. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. But if I had to do it over again, I would have waited. Then I wouldn’t have made the mistakes I made. I think this had a lot to do with the problems Native New Yorker would encounter a couple of years ago. We were able to right the ship, but not without hard work.
On a side note, with the advances in medicine and nutrition, I think it is getting safer for women to have babies later in life. (NNY keeps reminding of this for #5….:-))
September 3rd, 2007 at 7:11 pm
I’ll give you the only good piece of advice I ever recieved on this topic and you know about this topic with me. “It will happen when it is supposed to….and if you ever want it to.”
But you hit the nail on the head when you said society doesn’t consider a person a grown up till one reproduces. And that is well just dumb.
September 4th, 2007 at 10:41 am
True–I am not a grown up. I am 51-no kids. A great wife and 3 dogs. I am damn proud.
“Long live the DINKS!!” (Dual Income No Kids)
September 5th, 2007 at 4:50 pm
Kim,
I’ve known you since high school, so I’m not a complete stranger. I have great empathy for you. I turned 38 six days ago. I’ve been separated for two years and my wife and I are undergoing a divorce. I see a shrink once a month. I want to have kids and a family. Saying things like what your life was “supposed” to be like is counterproductive, I think. There are days when I get sad, days I question myself, days when I think I’m wasting my time. I guess what I want to tell you is live the best life you can life for the moment. Kids, jobs, relationships, goals, desires, dreams all are part of life. Don’t sacrifice your dreams for anyone. Seek happiness and learn from pain. And don’t beat yourself up about not having kids and about not following your ultimate life plan.